This is a selection of journal entries that I shared on FB.
SPIRIT IS CALLING
Dear life, you have become magical to me. You have made me fallen in love with you. And I fall in love with you, every day again and again.
Where there once was despair and anxiety there is now a silent joy and peace. There is something radiating within me. The song of being alive! I daily hike up the hill and sit in the forest where I play my flute and sing my sacred songs for the earth and me. I create a healing field and bathe in it, sometimes accompanied by the Tui bird that is always close.
I pray in front of my portal and strengthen my connection to source and myself. I receive downloads and I am so divinely guided! Life has become beautiful and exquisite. Answers flow and flow and I bless whatever I meet with love. I long for an even deeper connection and to be of service. I want to be this vessel that brings whatever is needed for this planet.
Today the wind has whispered into my ear that I will travel and set my life up for this in a light way. My destination is unknown, but I hear spirit calling me. May my own heart and essence be my home. May my light be my home and all the people I meet on my new old path, may they thrive and receive love and joy as well. For joy is the purpose. Love and joy is the purpose. Thank you!
A LOSS | A GIFT | A JOURNEY
I’ve never felt so completely, utterly torn apart - yet at the same time I have never felt so strong. I know I can handle this and this experience has come here to serve me, teach me and shape me even more beautifully than ever before.
Each day is a miraculous journey in this world, on this dance between worlds.
It feels like I have lost everything that I deeply cared for, but the truth is, I was set free. I have gained myself.
As I have written in the previous post, what I truly long for is the intimate connection with myself. This deep love, the path that I have started to walk, this shall deepen and become the core of my being.
This and my passion for music, for singing, for healing others. I am here to serve and become this pure vessel that brings through whatever is needed in that moment, to each person I encounter.
I have asked for a tough, intense ride and here it is, delivered to me. When you lose someone you love it may feel like everything ends here. Your world ends, your world crumbles to dust and you fall, you endlessly fall. But what I realized that night when I was in deep pain so deep I couldn’t breathe anymore, where I could not sleep, just cry a river of tears of grief - nobody can take that love I hold within away from me. I can still love that person, even if they are no longer in my world. They still exist, somewhere out there and I can still love them, deeply from my heart.
This is what stays. It is not an attachment, not a love that wants to posess the other or hold them back - just a distant love in the background of you going on with your life. It is pure. And pure love will choose freedom. You honour the other for what they were to you and where they need to be.
So it is a final goodbye, but on the soul level, not so much. We’re all connected, no matter if we are dead or alive. At times I visit my grandparents or the other loved ones I have lost. Even people that are physically alive but living their new lives somewhere else on this planet. We laugh and smile and know, all is well. We know we are playing a divine game here and we will meet again in the next incarnation. With different roles and different lessons to learn.
May we all be gentle with ourselves in these intense times, and shall we always be gentle with ourselves always. For self-love is the path. The inner connection with ourselves is what we truly need. As this wound is healed and the energetic pathway cleared, we will manifest new people and relationships into our lives that serve us right where we are: One step further on the journey.
I feel like I have learned lots within a year, within a few hours and at the same time, I am a beginner. What do I truly know? Nothing. And this makes me smile. If it is not all so solid, not all so defined as I think it is, then there is space and freedom in this.
To a new day, a new step, a new life.
Can you love yourself, just like this? When epic wears off and you are all raw and innocent again? Like when those cycles happen and you are shedding the next layer of old skin to become new again? With the pain, with whatever arises? <3
I wasn’t sure if I can share this. Life has been so good lately and still, it is good. There hasn’t been a day where I wasn't grateful for what is and humbled for my gifts and the people in my life.
Yet the last three days have been intense. Intensely painful. Headache, partial loss of my hearing and a painful numbness in both of my arms that stayed.
I’ve seen my spirit animal being injured. She said, she cannot run at this stage. And she is frustrated as she loves running. Seems like we both are invited to rest.
All sorts of emotions came to the surface. I met my dead grandparents in a vision last night, in another dimension. It is one very far up where you shed the cloak of your human vessel and feel like energy, so free. It is just so pure and ethereal. And meeting them there, I started crying. I felt so alone and in so much pain that words could just not express this at all. But I tried to speak and say: “I am so alone down here. And I miss you. And home.” The tears poured down like a cleansing stream.
And then I heard my spirit say: “This is wildness too. Letting those emotions come forth. Not just the wild confidence but also the vulnerable moments, the sadness, the pain of being human.”
And then my grandmother added: “You are not alone. Look who is around you. We are. Your friends, your guides. What you miss is your intimate relationship with yourself.”
I knew she was spot on. You can feel lonely in the midst of big groups, in the midst of your own family. I do miss my family, I miss my home country. Yet I know I won’t go back as I have been given this precious time here, this fresh new start, these supportive people here. I have lost a lot but gained so much at the same time. So it was a trade. It is different now and I needed different. Still it is okay to hurt, to feel homesick. It will pass. And it is invited to stay.
I lay in bed, wired. Electricity running through my body. I am so tired yet I cannot fall asleep. 1 am, 2 am, 3 am. Staring at the ceiling for hours it seemed. I toss and turn, focus on my breath and then screw all techniques alltogether. Sometimes, this is just what comes through. I know, I can hold myself with love. I can hold this space for me, because I am stronger now. Intense emotions, yes, they still happen from time to time. Not every day, but maybe once once or twice a month at this stage. But the space is all different now. I know who I am and where I want to be. I know giving up is not an option. I will keep walking my path. There is nothing to debate about this.
So today, as I write this, maybe too honest lines that crush the image of that everything is all well all day long, well then, let it be crushed. Everything is well, yes. I am madly in love with life, with being human. I love my tears and pain as well and this gift that my life is and who is walking there with me.
Cairo just came and curled up on my lap. When I feel exhausted, she is always there with her healing purrs. And there is no snack I could give her that possibly could express my gratitude to her for being in my life, even when she is not even my own cat. Maybe tuna with gold flakes on top.
I should probably get going, my doc advised me to rest. Be gentle. Don’t do anything stupid with your arms for a few days so they can heal. (Shit. I love writing!). I know how to go hard and achieve big stuff. Now may I find peace and learn how to take it easy as well. For a day or two. To rock this life again soon, very soon!
I had some insights yesterday while singing for some people on a group call on Skype and then also while recording a video last night: The singing, the music, the tones, it is all good. It all is about self-love. You can sing the most beautiful song and still judge yourself and label it as not good enough. You can be the most successful musician and still feel unworthy. Still feel like you got to do more. But you can also strip away the judgement, the mean attitude and the harsh criticism and embrace yourself.
Love yourself deeply, accept yourself.
What would it feel like if you were your most gentle lover for yourself? What if you saw yourself through the eyes of unconditional love? If there is nothing to prove, nothing to do? You are loved. You are perfect. Just as you are.
Singing makes me happy. The moment of using my voice, feeling myself from the inside, diving into my inner landscape - and the moment of silence afterwards and the energy doing its work. It happens in the empty space. The shifts.
I enjoy that it calms people down and connects them with beauty, with love. It is the best feeling I know, that peace. That feeling of safety, love. I can sense the energy shift within minutes. It is wonderful to bathe into those vibrations.
I want people to feel that way. Loved, safe. Reminding them of “home”.
I have been so much in a dark place, in so much emotional pain that I am so thankful to be “back” in the light again. And I am thankful for this experience. To get to know all aspects of myself, to make peace with the shadow, to respect it and to know what path I want to walk. The path of light. Not the path of darkness. However, darkness will always be part of me and that is okay.
Now I am so grateful. For the most simple things (which are all divine). Once you let go of how your ego thinks it has to be (and loving that ego too, instead of destroying it) it all falls into place.
I’ve watched the movie “Passengers” last night and it brings up gratitude. We might think, living on a planet that sustains life is all just normal, we take it for granted. But it is amazing - once you remember there are people up there in space where there is no air no fresh food and you depend on those machines to function or you are dead very soon.
We are here. Alive. Wow. There is the earth and there is nature, there is air we breathe and food we eat. There are other people. I think the worst thing that can happen to humans is to be alone. Imagine being on some spaceship, it is only you, nobody else. No matter what luxurious life you have, you will feel empty after a while. Humans go crazy when they are alone. 90 years alone. Holy shit. Imagine that!
And I was watching that movie and I am grateful for being able to watch movies and that someone takes the effort to make them, that someone builds a sofa I can sit on, that my husband loves me so much that he supports me no matter what and that this little feline being cuddles my sadness away. There is food on the table and it is a beautiful country with beautiful people. There are 1001 reasons to be grateful.
But when you are in deep pain and deep despair you are cut of your heart and those feelings. Then everything is dark, a veil covers it all. You see a flower but you cannot feel the beauty of it. As this can only be felt with the heart.
Then you only know the beauty but you cannot feel it.
Darkness is really a great teacher. By bringing you to the edges of your limits, you can take more light in later. It expands you, in a way. It has its place. Dive deep into the darkness when it challenges you and then slingshot back into light.
And the other thing I learnt is - it is all just bullshit. <3 All attempts to explain something. It can only get one side of the coin. Pointing at the moon will never be the moon. We try our best with words and they can do a lot. However, they are just ideas, models, crutches to grasp the ungraspable.
As I love writing, I will keep writing, doing my best to express what I experience with those flimsy little beings that we call words. It’s our bridges to understanding and hopefully they find the way into our hearts.
Dear beautiful one. I want to hear your story. You do not have to be strong, positive, spiritual or anything. I want to hear your story, exactly as it is, undistorted, uncensored, unfiltered. The raw experience that makes you you. Beside the war with yourself if you are even okay to share that with someone. Beside being labeled, judged, thrown out.
I want to hear your story. Your feelings, your sensations, your temptations, your hopes, your desires, your wishes, your lostness, your indecision. For when you speak it out, it sets you free. You become clear, you see your mind from the outside and that can be liberating.
I want to tell you, it is okay. I get you. I might not understand your exact circumstances and what you go through, but I have seen the valley to. And the mountain, the lake, the inner sea. The landscapes long forgotten. I know all of those emotions. So I can relate. I am blessed to have been able to feel so much pain that alchemy turned this into compassion.
I might not know how to help you or give advice, but it is not about that, really. You do not need help, or advice, or anything. The contrary is true. All the fixing makes you broken, pushes you away, tells you you are not good enough on one level or another. Nothing there that needs fixing.
Just be that being wherever you are, whatever your story is. I still want to hear your story, your song. Sing for me, beautiful one. The song only you can sing. I will listen.
The past is no longer the past. Something has shifted.
I look back and I see no longer pain and trauma, I just see a divine game playing itself out. There is tremendous love for everything, everyone involved in it. The beauty of the game surpasses everything. I am grateful to be alive, to be put into this game.
I look back and see: This event has shaped me and this other event has given me this insight. It has all worked out perfectly to wake me up and shape me into the person I am now. I am just at the brim of discovering my true self and I am so excited to grow more into this new person. This feels so amazing. My past hasn’t been my enemy. It hasn’t hurt me. It was my teacher and has helped me all this time. I am grateful for it. So so grateful!
There no longer is a need to go back and solve something, it has all been done. I have felt pain and grief and sadness for so many years. It has been acknowledges, deeply embraced and loved. Now just love remains. Wow. I just feel love for everyone including myself. Love shining everywhere.
When we meet up in heaven we will laugh about this game we played here and celebrate and hug each other. It is this feeling of: It all is fine! It always has been, it always will be. Until we go down again and have another game here. What a joy!
There is this deep connection to the earth and this belief I am supported by the universe. I weave secret strings and I am part of the grid that connects everything. Somehow this connection is everything. Being part of the bigger picture. Our true nature, it is so big, so powerful. One you truly remember it is all just a game and not to be taken serious, that love fills in all the questions, you are set free.
Phew! I go to bed happy, singing, channeling a song, I wake up happy. I do have my instructions from my guides. Life is flowing in abundance. There are more songs to sing. There is more love to feel and express. What a joy to be alive. I didn’t think it would be possible to feel this way, to really feel it inside of your cells. It IS possible! I am so grateful it is possible.
Wow. What a shift!
I was trying to figure out who I am, what my essence is. I felt like being everything and nothing at the same time, wondering what "Caro" is. A rather complex being.
Today I stumbled across some very interesting stuff on FB. A sound healer from Australia that has a healing voice, a classical background in music and plays soul music on piano for people. I listened to the music and it is very soothing ethereal music.
As I compare myself to that just for the fun of finding my own position in soundwork, I felt like this is not fully who I am. I am not just a soothing singer... Even tough I would love to be. My singing can be very calm, very gentle, very soothing but it can also be very powerful, wild and almost unpleasant to listen to (a feedback I received even when I would study voice). But it is like sound medicine, it brings up stuff. It can be quite intense, for me and for others! So this image of an angelic healer sitting on a cloud... that is just one part of me. The other part is a warrior, an asian man with a sword, ready to fight, bravely, fearlessly, ready to clean and ready to face the tiger with the thorn in his paw.
It is an interesting mixture for sure, angel and warrior and having that reflect in the music as well. Many of you do not know my powerful side as I tend to rely on the soothing music a lot. It is almost as if I am afraid to share those very intense medicine songs publicly. I do share them with people that are ready and request a sound healing recording.
I know both of these aspects are me and it is about balancing them. Sometimes the angel is needed and sometimes the warrior. Over time they might integrate and merge. The warrior might get softer and the angel might get more strength. Angels do not have to be just sweet and smiley.
(As I started to take a course in chinese sound healing this month, I noticed not all the sounds are heavenly "oooohm", there is also anger and agression being released through other sounds. That was quite a shock making those powerful, aggressive primal sounds - but it felt good to do so once you overcome your conditioning labeling this as dirty and bad. I understand there is a full range in sound healing, not just the soft, beautiful pleasant tones!)
So this is integrating those two parts. I feel like the term of a sound shaman is finding me. It is sound medicine, it is both sides, light and dark. I have always been strong contrasts. So this is where I am at right now. Pieces of the puzzle coming together and a stream of images, visions, dreams, memories, almost too much to take in. Big, big stuff. But I am still good with it, it is part of the path.
The joy, the tears, the laughter, the pain. I love this shit! :D <3
I love to be triggered. This sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Yet this is truly what I feel right now. Let’s say I have met some people that bring up things within me. Just being around them, or even just writing with them on FB brings up the pain in my soul. I feel strong energetic reactions, I shake inside, I cry and then a few moments later, it is released. Spiritual fitness studio. It is super exhausting, I can tell you. But it rocks, because I decided to be cool with it and love it to pieces. :D
I woke up in so much pain it was hard to breathe. And yet, I remained undisturbed. I was merely watching a movie and I know, this is not me, this is not my essence. This is my human part but I am so much more than just human. My essence is love and light and I am just going through a cleansing process within the human experience. Still it is really unpleasant, I can tell you. But I love myself. So, so much. All this anger, that I should be perfect and not have those strong emotions and pains anymore, I even hold that with love.
What if the suffering you are doing is not a waste of time like you were told, but a profound act of transformation for you and for this planet? It helps me tremendously to remember that. I wish I could be radiating light and love 100% and never feel pain and darkness and all of traumatic memories - which might not even all be my own but collective issues - but this is where I am right now. What a strong contrast between light and dark! Those highs are epic and the lows are actually alright too. It even reflects in my clothes now. I was guided to wear white shirts and I wear black pants. It is funny, isn’t it.
And there are things that I thought I dislike but actually, I love them. Climbing this hill, horizontal rain in your face, it actually feels good. 1000 gentle needles piercing your face and you are panting and really feeling your feet on the ground as you climb. Groceries in your backpack which adds even more weight to you. I like this feeling, being alive. Being inside of a physical body. I love my body.
I know what my life mission is and I am living it. My voice is my gift. There is nothing more fulfilling than knowing your calling and following that. And I am getting so close to the core of all what slows me down and holds me back. Beautiful time to be alive, to grow, and to support others on their journey.
"I am with you and I love you. Now, I am here for you, in the midst of this. I love you exactly as you are. You are so brave, strong and beautiful. This too like everything else, will pass. This too, like everything else is the essence of life and you are exactly where you need to be."
Do you know the feeling of waking up tender and sore from your dreams? Finally escaping the grip of nightmares. The morning is waiting for you. The sun is shining, yet it is cold and you wrap yourself in a blanket, as you slowly get out of bed. It is almost eleven and this day is waiting for you. Breakfast. Checking your emails and messages. Doing your morning exercise - before breakfast. Showering, washing your hair, getting the dishes out of the dishwasher. You gotta do these things in whatever order makes most sense. And yet you are paralyzed and just sit down in front of the tiny screen of your laptop, trying to sort out the flood of your sensations that you are having.
How do people just get up and slide into their lives while I freeze and almost cry because I can't handle the intensity of it? The well-known feeling of pain is spreading through my body. I am exhausted, so deeply tired after having slept so long.
The most challenging part is the exercise, right after waking up. Today, I can't do it. My dreams were too terrifying to even tell them to anybody. So what is left for me is sitting here, breathing, letting myself sink into my own pain and fear and all of it.
Letting go of all the shoulds. Should do sport, should eat something, should shower. For now, I need my own loving attention, my own gentle hug. So I wrap my arms around my body and breathe. Some tiny salty beings run down my cheeks. It feels good to let them run. Releasing those emotions trapped in my body.
"I am with you and I love you. Now, I am here for you, in the midst of this. I love you exactly as you are. You are so brave, strong and beautiful. This too like everything else, will pass. This too, like everything else is the essence of life and you are exactly where you need to be."
It is comforting.
With every shallow breath that I take, with every "I love you" something is released from me. Nothing has to go away, nothing has to be different. I start to feel more and more at ease. Loved. Held. I do not push myself into my morning routine, I give myself time, space and love to arrive in this world first. I will do the things I have to do - but when I feel better. What does it matter, if my day starts two or three hours later? Losing this time by taking care of myself is winning time. This moment of meeting myself raw, tender and without expectations, bathing in unconditional love is sacred.
21.01.2017 | This dream has been bizarrely gentle, bringing up memories from my childhood and making me dive into the realms of deep self-love and acceptance.
I managed to break my right arm and they tell me I will get a cast and there is this almost funny conflict inside of me that I am slightly annoyed about the fact that I am in pain and a bit more annoyed about the fact that I will not be able to do much work the following weeks and having a cast is not fun - yet I feel taken care of.
The process of getting a cast on my arm is a mesmerizing miracle by itself. The gentle examination of my bruises, the soft linen wrapping around my skin like a second layer of skin, hugging my pain. It is beautiful, in a way. To have a body, to feel. To navigate in 3D reality. I am moved that there are others around me that take care of me and there is this guy with me all the time. So I smile, in the midst of chaos and pain and not even knowing how all of this has happened. And it is alright, somehow. In the middle of the storm, there is deep surrender and peace.
And I wake up, alone, with my arm hurting and I start to cry because I feel so alone in that moment. Thought I know deep inside my heart, everything is there, all the time. Love is always there. The sun is always there, even at night, when the stars are shining and she seems to be asleep.
I want to see a friend, right now. Someone where I can just be myself. Where it is not exhausting to be around with.
And suddenly I remember my childhood where I spent so much time in solitude longing for love. But my father wasn't there and my mother would always send me away, tell me to go play by myself, because I am a big girl, I can do that, and then she locks herself away in the bathroom and vomits or falls asleep. I do not understand what is going on at that time, just that this earth is a frightening place. Fantasizing about my parents getting killed all the time at the age of 6. Wondering how I find my way home from another town in case my father gets shot and I have to walk back alone. I am deeply afraid of people, of life, of loss, of everything.
As a result, I become a creative person. Creativity is the only thing that keeps me sane in such a lonely and dangerous world. I feel like an alien in this world, yet keep creating. Writing, drawing, recording, finding relief in my stories that I create. Talking to imaginary friends. Or spirits. My real friends are cats or other animals, somehow they are closer to me than most humans. Humans are weird. Other children do not understand me when I talk about energies or other things I am interested in. I rather write stories or do art than play outside. Their games are so violent, I do not want to be part of that.
And then I remember, the only times when I felt really held and taken care of is when I was sick. It was the only way to get attention. Getting good grades in school was just expected from me.
So I wonder if getting sick or injuring yourself can be a cry for love, for my own love. Because now I am the parent of my own inner child.
I find it hard to imagine myself being a loving mother so I divide myself into another person that I truly love and into the small me. That works for me though in the past I have experienced needing to justify why I should take care of myself. Every day? The beliefs "You need to be strong and do it on your own" and "You don't need anyone" were cemented into my head and heart.
Slowly as this year unfolds and I am away from the energy of my home country I start to realize: I deserve more love, not less. Whatever arises, whatever I feel. I deserve love, every single moment. I do not have to be sick or hurt or whatever first. I do not need a reason. The reason is my own existence and that is already enough. And that feels so good. That feels like coming home.
The sun is shining today so beautifully and a voice inside of me tells me: You should go outside. Another kinder voice tells me I do not have to do anything. It asks me what I want to do right now. If there was nothing to do, what would you do? I want to write down my thoughts and feelings, and that is what I do now. I don't know why or how all of this happens, but it does. I create, I write, I sing, I express myself the best way I can. Not knowing the next step on the road.
What I enjoy about this moment is - there is nothing wrong here. Nothing has to be fixed, or different. I do not suffer. I observe the flow of life flowing through me. All of this means I am alive. And there is love for myself. What a gentle sensation.
1.11.2016 | “I am sorry to hear you are not feeling well. I know it sucks to make this experience, but it is only labeled as bad from the small human perspective. What if bad was actually good from a higher perspective?
Your main thoughts circle around productivity, around how to make money, being independent, being normal. This causes the suffering. You are at war with what is now.
Let me tell you, without the air and the winds and waters and earth you would not be here. Yet all of this is here. There are even people taking care of you so you have everything you need, which is just one thing - abundance.
You insist that life has to be a certain way, that you need to make a certain amount of money and live on your own without help - is that really how it is?
What if life is not here to have a big mission but to be love, as much as possible? It starts with yourself. Can you love yourself, no matter what and be gentle with yourself and then when you feel stable enough still challenge yourself to become the best version of yourself and do whatever love would do in that moment? Look at the small things of life. A kind smile to a stranger, a short talk to a friend, sharing beauty and art with the world. That is valuable.
You do not have to save the world, but save yourself. Which means holding yourself in love whenever you need to. You will radiate love and that is how everything falls into place without saving the world, without fixing anything. Calm down, relax, let go. Surrender.
Especially on days when you feel sick and dizzy. What can you do? Push through it harder (the old way), or just let go, accept this is going to be a day of rest, sleeping, surfing the internet, taking a slow walk in nature. You do not lose or waste time like this, you add time and value if you are in a state of acceptance and peace, no matter the circumstances. What is wrong about silence and emptiness? It is winter for a plant, until it one day starts to bloom again. Those are natural cycles and rhythms.
You feel like you did nothing but can’t you see how much you did already, how many layers you shed and how far to your own core you have come? You can be proud of yourself.
About your question what to do every day, trust in that you will know when the time comes. For now it is simply getting better, recovering, finding a routine again that suits you, eating good food, taking care of your body, exercising, studying healing, reading books, talking with people, going into the spirit realm for additional healing sessions. It will not be like this for the rest of your life, I promise. You will find inspiration and strength again, it is only hard to see when your mind is clouded and you feel like you live in a dark place all the time. It is not true. It is just a temporary down experience only to slingshot you back into the light. This transformation is beautiful because it teaches you a lot of things, like compassion for yourself and others if you let it be and trust in the process. There is always help by your side to support you in this, since we are all in this together. Rest for now and you will feel better in a little while.”
1.10.2016 | I am standing at the ocean, a man beside me, gazing at the waves.
I ask him: „What do you want most in your life?“
He replies: „I want to be rich.“
„Why would you want that?“ I am curious. Is money really that important?
„So I can just spend all day in the ocean. Swimming, enjoying the water and the waves. There would be nothing else I have to do.“
„Don’t you think we are incarnated as humans so we can make human experiences, so we fulfill our life purpose and do something with our lives? What you describe sounds more like the life of a fish.“
„Then maybe I am the first human making the experience of what is is like to turn into a fish."
1.9.2016 |Today, I do not feel great. I also don't feel horrible. I just feel. Meandering between the waves of life. Still that picture of me is so beautiful. I never thought I would say that about myself, beautiful. I always told myself I am ugly... Now I just say: A beautiful woman is smiling at me. Growing into her higher self bit by bit.
Still I am a bit impatient with health issues. I try to eat super healthy and do my sport and all and yet there is pain, yet I feel sick and sometimes it gets so intense that I just lay down and sleep. I wonder if this will ever pass.
8.8.2016 | There is nothing you need to fix. Surrender. Let go of all your small ideas and let life wash over you. It will turn you into the beautiful soul you already are. Through waves of suffering and bliss, mountain peaks and valleys ... you are not alone. You never were.
30.7.2016 | You are pure and divine. With all your pain, in the midst of all your suffering. You are perfect as you are with all your imperfection. I invite you to meet me, stripped from all those masks. Do you want to meet the real, raw, tender me? Do you want to meet the real, raw, tender you?
14.7.2016 | And then they asked me: „Do you want to go now?“ I knew it meant to die. And I decided to stay here and do what I came here to do.
This post takes me so much effort to write. Yesterday and the day before I couldn’t even write a single word. I am sitting there spending hours staring trying to grasp what has happened to me.
A few days ago, I was pulled out of my body and I kept wandering in some world between life and death. I thought these things are just stuff you make up, it is not real… But experiencing it makes it very real. I cannot deny any longer the forces between heaven and earth and there is a lot going on there…
I wanted to go deep, dive in very deep and I did. I knew my mind is strong and I can go through whatever it is. But my body couldn’t take it. It is unbearable and I lose consciousness soon and wake up as somebody else experiencing the terrors of war from times long ago. Pain, being torn apart, my body cramping, crying, screaming. Somehow they manage to pull me out of there but I am lost, I am not quite here, not quite there.
I feel I do not have any strength left. I wake up in this place laying on my back I have seen in my dreams, have felt in my dreams where I would lay to heal with the angels around me and yet there it is, real. I drift away again. Far, far away, until the earth is mere a tiny little dot in the vast universe. And then they asked me with this gentle voice: „Do you want to go now?“ I knew it meant to die. I am flooded with pain and all of these intense emotions of being human and I think it would be so much easier to let go now, to leave everything behind and to return to source now. It is warm, gentle. And life is rough… But I know, this isn’t right. I have seen what I can do in the future. I decide to stay here and do what I came here to do. This strong desire to stay anchors me in the room when the next wave rushes over me that wants to take me away. I know I am suffering, but I will stay, no matter what happens. I want to live. I want to go through this.
I know I am strong. I know my mission, I know life is abundant and beautiful. Some part inside of me knows that, yet these horrors I am going through are so intense I loose control over my body. Just tell me, „Think positive happy thoughts“ sounds like a joke. If you knew what it feels like to be in my body, you would not say that.
I do not want to complain, or being pitied or drag energy from you. All I want is to be accepted how I am now, going through this, suffering but knowing this is all divine pain, this is all making me stronger when I get through it. But for now, don’t change me or try to fix me. I can fix myself just fine by just being and letting my body do its work.
So why do I even write this? What do I want? Just people to be there. Nothing to do, nothing to fix, just meet your own pain and helplessness when you are faced with someone like me now. I know that part can be hard as well when you no longer escape those aspects of life but look them into the eye and say yes, this is divine too. Your pain is divine as the flowers on the field and the beautiful aspects of life that are so easy to love. It is a challenge for sure to love me, when I am ugly and torn like this. Still I am a divine creation of god. There is some very big potential in this.
I tell you this is shit, experiencing this is pure hell, and yet this is the greatest gift I ever received. This is shaping me into the diamond that I already am.
I do not know anymore what is going to happen next, everything is apart now. Some sacred space for something new so beautiful. So beautiful. This is the power of transformation.
29.6.2016 | Last night when I was laying in bed, trying to deal with feeling like a disconnected human being, the spirit of a friend visited me, telling me it is okay. He said he is always there as a spirit to talk to him, even when we are far apart in real life. He has a very gentle energy and I fell asleep instantly.
Then, I thought about him in my dream, that I want to meet him in person. I really wished it with all of my heart. A few moments later, I was sitting on my window, eating soup, his car parked in front of my house and he got out and looked at me in a certain way. So kind, so innocent. I remember those moments. No words, just that gaze, that flow of emotions going back and forth. Two beings radiating love and compassion. I was so touched that he came here and that it had worked to wish him here. He said: "I understood I do not have to be in a perfect condition to be here. So here I am with all of my flaws." So I understood the reason he is distant was that he thought he is not good enough to be seen, so he rather hides...
His voice was husky, like he had a bad cold. He climbed into the room through the window and I asked him if he wanted to do some Vocal Training, since this is what I know about and I am curious if it would help, usually it does. He said: "Yes, let's explore, but don't put more pressure on me. This is what got me sick in the first place. Pressure, perfectionism, the idea of that something is wrong with me that has to be fixed." Something clicked in me and instead of telling him what he can do better, I realized I want to help him to get in touch with his body in a very gentle way. I want him to feel what is inside of him rather than give orders. This was very valuable. I mean yes, I knew that stuff, I had heard that before but somehow it got through this time. We need many reminders.
Permeability. Let life rush through you with all its intensity. Let go. Nothing can harm you. You are safe. You are eternal.
The peace never went. Even through feeling physically terrible, I did not freak out or fight. Again, I surrendered, not knowing why this is happening, but just letting go. I was so weak I could hardly move. My head was cloudy. I spent most of the day sleeping, trying to find a position that didn't hurt. I tried to focus on my breath, but breathing hurt the most. So in the midst of this was the miracle of life. I lost my fear of death. It is just another layer of letting go. The peace came to a whole new level, me sitting there, feeling like I am dying, undisturbed. I was filled with love. I wrapped myself in this cocoon of love. I felt like I left my body and saw myself from above. Life seemed abstract and overly complicated to me. I was curious but did not understand. However, I could feel those cells and the body they form. I could see this child that had suffered all these years. I could remember details from the past that I had long forgotten. I felt like I had turned into an angel, taking care of the little ones down there. So this was seriously trippy yesterday. HS told me this is happening for a reason, and none of this is because I did something wrong. So being broken, being in pain like this is only an invitation to befriend the pain, dive deep into it and to let go. Beyond that lies another level of freedom.
I've been blessed yesterday and I can still feel a big shift from this. I met a guy with an intense chronic disease who was forced to surrender. He is "broken" in a way that he cannot work or do much right now besides lay in bed, but actually in a way he is a lot more whole than most of us! Just being in his presence taught me so much. I could see my patterns. I could let go of myself. I could see how fast I live my life and how precious it is to be healthy. I also could see my own exhaustion in him, that I need more breaks than most people (and I usually just push myself instead of rest). I finally see simplicity with the beauty it holds. Space. Breath.
This guy said to me: „I enjoyed our session a lot. And I also learned something and more was not necessary. It was not about being efficient and to do as much as possible but to have a good time with you, to enjoy what unites us with the bonus of learning a few things about the harp.“
This shifted something in me. I can't even describe. A deep feeling of gratitude. Of being humble myself. It lasted several hours and guided me into my sleep. I can feel my heart again. Love. For all things. I still feel it now that I woke up and start a brand new day. I feel like I have met an angel. I would love to meet him again and find out, can I meet him in a more pure way. With less words and more presence. Less filling out the space, more being conscious of my own body while I speak. Only say what is needed now. When all masks have fallen away, what remains. I might not meet him again for a long time because I am an intense person and even that is too much for him to handle - he lives in solitude and doesn't meet people and spends most of his time in bed, looking forward to the few times when he feels good enough to get up for a while. Yet maybe this was all it required for now. Who knows what life has in store for me now.
11.5.2016 | I know what I want. I want to be clarity, radiating love and strength.
I want to see everyone I meet as who they really are. Without judgement or prejudice. Without beeing closed up because some hurt part of me is scared that they don't like me or hurt me. I want to embrace that fear and let it melt away and then meet people with an open heart.
I want to be honest and wide open. Sometimes I have glimpses of what that is like to just speak my truth, fearlessly so. I want to keep that state of resting inside of my center through the day, even with the most difficult people from my tiny limited perspective. They are my greatest teachers.
I want to take life lightly, laugh about it. I want to remember it is all just a dream and nothing can harm me. I am strengt, love and clarity. I am eternal.
One of these days... I am okay, I am fine. All is well. ... Hell no, nothing is fine! Underneath the surface the real me is about to explode. I am an vulcano. I feel like something is tearing me apart. I am kneeling on the floor. Just somebody, help me. I have no idea how to help myself. What does all of this mean, make peace with yourself? In detail... How do you do it? It seems right now I have forgotten it all. All the solutions what to do in situations like now. Just me and the pain. It hurts to breathe, the air feels heavy in my lungs. Solarplexus is burning. Last night it was physical, now it has reached my heart and my emotions and it is burning till nothing is left. Maybe I am bipolar or maybe there is no label for me. I am insane. But I am. Still existing in this mindfuck game.
Some people say, don't look at negative things, focus on the positive. There is so much shit going on in this world. I can't close my eyes any longer. You can't get out, you are in it. Yet what can I do? When I feel like this I am useless. I cannot help anyone and that is my mission, to help others. I love it and without it I have nothing left that I think I am.
Shit, shit, shit. Cycles. It repeats, all the time. Another layer has pealed, has died. Another one. I don't want to feel this anymore. Sometimes I wish to just end to exist. I am so done with it here. But I can't die. It wouldn't change a thing. I'd be back. It could be ten times worse. So. Live on. Image something great. Where is your joy, your bliss? I don't care. Can't think of joy now. It just hurts. Help. Give me directions. Where is the exit?!
Maybe it is good to FEEL this.
Not push it away by choosing happy thoughts but to give that feeling space that you hate the most. Be okay that you hate it. This is a task!
You know... You're sitting on the table with some people. And you're witnessing these intense feelings of anger, of wanting to flee. But you are a civilized being, you stay. Repeating your inner mantra: Stay cam stay calm stay calm stay calm. Why am I doing this to myself, why am I not leaving, or starting to fight? We are civilized beings, we don't do this. Feel no anger... Be good. Be nice. This is the root of where diseases begin, with not acting out your honest feelings. You are fake. You smile and on the inside you are so full of anger. And this anger you might not even feel, because your mind knows well how to suppress it because you couldn't stand the thought of it.
This is madness. The world, how people interact with each other. Me. I am part of this and I want to end it. Become more honest. Even if it means that 90% of all of my relations will ether radically change or just fall apart because they are no longer possible to hold up.
I am angry. I am annoyed. I am hurt. I am in despair. I am trying to be honest. Let's see where this is leading.
2.05.2016 | I had an intense dream tonight. I was with friends, driving up a winding road on a mountain. Then suddenly the car left the lane and crashed down into the ocean. My last thought while we were falling was: "Shit. I want to live. I want to explore physicality. I want to feel my body, enjoy good food. Smell flowers. Touch somebody with my hands. Dear lord, make me survive this accident. I surrender."
The next moment I was back in life, the accident had not happened. It was like I had traveled back in time ...
This morning I woke up grateful to be alive and hugged my husband close.
We are so caught up in concepts about spirituality, that we forget that we chose a human experience here. So be human. Do these human things, don't just meditate all day in a cave to seek enlightenment. Don’t just spend your life in your head. Go out, have fun, eat, drink, travel, meet friends, dance, laugh. I don't say don't meditate, don't ponder deep questions. But find a balance with physicality.
A wanderer. A home and not a home. A strong sense of emptiness. I do not miss anything, I enjoy having space. Time. It is a different kind of joy. Quiet, shy, peaceful. No rage of joy that burns away obstacles on my path but a silent joy that embraces obstaces, embraces every feeling and treats it like a precious gem. I explore feeling that I didn't know before, that I was too scared to meet. Yet now they're here and I am puzzled why I was so scared of them. It is silent beyond silence.
This amplifies when I do energy-work and tap into the world of sound. I let myself go and music flows through me. There is touch, flowing energy, vowels, consonats, breath, tensions, releasing of tensions, aliveness. I am alive, the other person is alive, we together witness life itself. Everything makes sense becaus nothing makes sense and there is noone to judge if it makes sense.
At some point after a session, after the silence ebbs away and is pierced with words again, the mind slips back in and tells me a thousand reasons why I can't do this. "You need a rented room somewhere to do it, forget doing it at home or at other peoples homes, this is unprofessional, you can't touch people over the internet, people are not ready for this, you might unlock hidden emotions in them that they are not ready to face, you are no healer, this is dangerous, stop this! Get a real job that provides you a good income. Do you wanna go on like this?"
I understand you are scared. I understand you want to protect me. Thank you.
Then it subsides and the waves of emotion calm down. I don't supress these feelings, this voice but listen and appreciate it. This is very healing. No more pushing through the pain, even though it hurts like hell. No more being strong. Yet this is strength. This is kind and gentle. This is all I ever longed for... My own love.
So what is happening here in this empty room far away from home? Another death, another rebirth. I don't know where this is leading. All I know is now. A wanderer. A home and not a home. I am home in myself.
28.4. Charming streets. The veil of spring. Cold fresh air. Majestic houses with no doors for me to enter. There is no home. I am always on the run, free, yet lost. I don't feel I belong here on earth. I miss home, wherever that is.
I am mesmerized how people live... How they are so strong and go to a job every day and do what they're told to do. Even if they hate it. I can feel their pain, cloggy auras, it is a miracle how this world works surprisingly well for how messed up it is! The planet could already have been destroyed multiple times yet here we are. Still.
I check out other peoples lives how long their list of achievements is and get frustrated. Who am I? Did I fail because I do not fit in? I never just followed one passion and I never had a strong sense of creating business. I seem to be curious about thousands of things. I am just a child! I love to explore.
So here I am wandering around with the desire to help people. Whatever that means. However it might show itself. It might look easy but it is not. I struggle everyday. Yet I keep pushing forward. This is what we do. We keep fighting. Don't look at the sadness, the pain, focus on something good. Be in a super high vibration all the time. It seems exhausting. I want to explore all feelings. Listen to my inner child. Cry and then burst into laughter when it naturally occurs. Not when I force it. Yet I know everything is true at the same time. You all are right! So for now it is: Whatever arises, love that.
24.4. When I was a child, I had a dream about flying. Not the usual it-is-so-much-fun-to-fly dream where you just fly and enjoy it and that is all to it. I dreamt, that I discovered that humans could fly. It was not that easy, you had to run first and then jump, but it was possible. So I wanted to share this because I knew, this was crucial, this was what people needed and I taught others how to do it. But it was forbidden to do this, humans were not allowed to fly in this dreamworld. So they chased me and I had to teach in secret. But I would die for this with a burning passion that would never end.
That dream has haunted me for decades. The same dream, again and again and again. I have had it for more then 25 years now. So I think I have an idea what it means now.
17.3.2016 | Strange things are going on. So, I've been initiated as a sound worker in Maui. Let's call it that for now hence I have no better word for it. So I wonder what is going on here and what will form out of this? I am oddly fascinated about the world of sound since Maui.
Then this came to my mind again, that might be connected to this topic. About 13 years ago I had a weird dream. I was wandering out to find the dragon of death, it was a being that flies you into another dimension and it is awakened by a certain song that everyone intuitively knows. I would sing this song and many others tried to keep me in this dimension. They chased me. But I managed to leave. I rode on the back of the dragon, which was an awakened plant. Kind of reminiscent of a palm tree or some other tropical plant. Here the dream ended and I wonder… What is there to sound? I am mesmerized… Pyramids and sound levitation and stuff you see on FB about what sound can do. There is a deeper level to it.
I’ve done courses about sound healing with harp and I’ve read books about this yet I feel I know nothing about it. It all just scratches the surface. I feel there is a lot more to this than we know now. I want to learn. Dive deep into this, work on this planet with sound. I know my voice is my gift and I do have some intuitive / psychic abilities. Even though I’ve denied them because I was scared to hurt anybody with them or because I told myself this is not real. Talking to spirits since 15 years or more, yet arguing with them that they are not real… Time to stop that now. As I said before, it cannot be denied anymore. All these dreams I had and all the guidance. It is very, very real. Maybe more real then the material world.
Through a good friend I’ve been introduced to Ikaro / Icaro, sacred healing songs of Ayahuasca. It’s extremely fascinating. I studied applied physiology of the voice but this… I get goosebumps when I hear it. Don’t get that with opera style singing and classical music ;). The Institute where I studied is a really cool place and they did research ancient cultures and they are a bit esoteric you could say, yet I wonder… Isn’t the best place to study sound healing South America or Tibet or places like that? Oh no, do I have to fly far away again?! I keep thinking our science knows nothing and ancient cultures were so wise. Again, I can already see this is not entirely true, there can be a symbiosis of both worlds… I recently read about the Placebo Effect and I wonder if part of the ancient cultures was their strong belief that tied it all together and if we need different techniques because we are so lost in this modern world here. Thinking, thinking, thinking… But, it is still fun!
Anyway. I’ve been guided here as well through people that suddenly show up and have another part of the puzzle, leading me to artists or books or places. So feel free to add whatever you have in mind that could be useful for my journey. Or if you’re on another journey too, I might know stuff that is of service to you.
15.3.2016 | So, I've done it. For real. Sold my harp, spend two weeks in Maui and nothing is the same anymore. This Bentinho Massaro Retreat changed everything, especially the last session where I started to transform the energy in the room by just singing. And the island changed me as well.
It was energetically challenging to go there through all my fears with flying and airports and being far away from home and then it happened, my spiritual initiation. I mean, it was already there, all my life but now these events, wuuush. Spirits cannot be denied any longer, as well as my life purpose and the next steps I gotta do. It is about music, sound and my voice... About focusing for my life mission. I got some very intense downloads. The spirit of Hawaii spoke to me, the beach, the plants, the magnificent vulcano... Wild and mystical nature, strong currents, more beauty and love then you can take in, wherever you look. I've never been so connected in my life. Any answer to any question was just there. I could read the library of clouds.
And then as I am here, back in Germany I feel odd, like I do not belong here anymore. It seems strange, the way life works over here. Very different lifestyle. When you’ve been to Maui, you know what I mean. So much love and warmth on that island. The Aloha spirit is really there.
So we'll see what is next. For now I need time to figure my new life out and integrate all of this I have seen and felt. Also a lot of fears are showing up, that have been stored in my body for a while, old stuff that is now being released. Looks like I am sick but I am actually getting better now. I will do that reprogramming while wrapping myself into my new beautiful vision, sheding an old skin that has become too tight for a long time.
Let’s be together in this, teaching, learning, serving ... Lots of love to you all!
4.3.216 | Intense downloads from the Island. This place is magic. I strongly recommend to go there by yourself, see and feel the spirit here. I surrender!
18.2.2016 | These days are intense. Ever since I made the decision to go on the journey I am scared. I am thrown around. Every day, every night. It is weird how something you've always wanted can freak you out to much at the same time.
So I told myself I want to prepare myself. Try a different diet, meditate, do yoga, control my mind in all possible ways. Get mentally ready.
Still it seems like I wake up and have already forgotten what this is all about. This as in "life". My life. The illusion that I call my life. Takes me a while to remember and then another while to figure out what to focus on. I have tons of things in my mind. I do a lot and yet nothing you would call productive at the same time. You know this feeling when your mind is cloudy and you barely remember what yo came here for? This.
Tonight I dreamt of sleeping inside a pyramid house and it was the first night without nightmares. I was okay, polynesian women were visiting and making sure everything is okay. It will be okay. It already is.