Can you love yourself, just like this? When epic wears off and you are all raw and innocent again? Like when those cycles happen and you are shedding the next layer of old skin to become new again? With the pain, with whatever arises?
I wasn’t sure if I can share this. Life has been so good lately and still, it is good. There hasn’t been a day where I wasn't grateful for what is and humbled for my gifts and the people in my life.
Yet the last three days have been intense. Intensely painful. Headache, partial loss of my hearing and a painful numbness in both of my arms that stayed.
I’ve seen my spirit animal being injured. She said, she cannot run at this stage. And she is frustrated as she loves running. Seems like we both are invited to rest.
All sorts of emotions came to the surface. I met my dead grandparents in a vision last night, in another dimension. It is one very far up where you shed the cloak of your human vessel and feel like energy, so free. It is just so pure and ethereal. And meeting them there, I started crying. I felt so alone and in so much pain that words could just not express this at all. But I tried to speak and say:
“I am so alone down here. And I miss you. And home.” The tears poured down like a cleansing stream.
And then I heard my spirit say: “This is wildness too. Letting those emotions come forth. Not just the wild confidence but also the vulnerable moments, the sadness, the pain of being human.”
And then my grandmother added: “You are not alone. Look who is around you. We are. Your friends, your guides. What you miss is your intimate relationship with yourself.”
I knew she was spot on. You can feel lonely in the midst of big groups, in the midst of your own family. I do miss my family, I miss my home country. Yet I know I won’t go back as I have been given this precious time here, this fresh new start, these supportive people here. I have lost a lot but gained so much at the same time. So it was a trade. It is different now and I needed different. Still it is okay to hurt, to feel homesick. It will pass. And it is invited to stay.
I lay in bed, wired. Electricity running through my body. I am so tired yet I cannot fall asleep. 1 am, 2 am, 3 am. Staring at the ceiling for hours it seemed. I toss and turn, focus on my breath and then screw all techniques alltogether. Sometimes, this is just what comes through. I know, I can hold myself with love. I can hold this space for me, because I am stronger now. Intense emotions, yes, they still happen from time to time. Not every day, but maybe once once or twice a month at this stage. But the space is all different now. I know who I am and where I want to be. I know giving up is not an option. I will keep walking my path. There is nothing to debate about this.
So today, as I write this, maybe too honest lines that crush the image of that everything is all well all day long, well then, let it be crushed. Everything is well, yes. I am madly in love with life, with being human. I love my tears and pain as well and this gift that my life is and who is walking there with me.
Cairo just came and curled up on my lap. When I feel exhausted, she is always there with her healing purrs. And there is no snack I could give her that possibly could express my gratitude to her for being in my life, even when she is not even my own cat. Maybe tuna with gold flakes on top.
I should probably get going, my doc advised me to rest. Be gentle. Don’t do anything stupid with your arms for a few days so they can heal. (Shit. I love writing!). I know how to go hard and achieve big stuff. Now may I find peace and learn how to take it easy as well. For a day or two. To rock this life again soon, very soon!