I wanted to go deep, dive in very deep and I did. I knew my mind is strong and I can go through whatever it is. But my body couldn’t take it. It is unbearable and I lose consciousness soon and wake up as somebody else experiencing the terrors of war from times long ago. Pain, being torn apart, my body cramping, crying, screaming. Somehow they manage to pull me out of there but I am lost, I am not quite here, not quite there.
I feel I do not have any strength left. I wake up in this place laying on my back I have seen in my dreams, have felt in my dreams where I would lay to heal with the angels around me and yet there it is, real. I drift away again. Far, far away, until the earth is mere a tiny little dot in the vast universe. And then they asked me with this gentle voice: „Do you want to go now?“ I knew it meant to die.
I am flooded with pain and all of these intense emotions of being human and I think it would be so much easier to let go now, to leave everything behind and to return to source now. It is warm, gentle. And life is rough… But I know, this isn’t right.
I have seen what I can do in the future. I decide to stay here and do what I came here to do. This strong desire to stay anchors me in the room when the next wave rushes over me that wants to take me away. I know I am suffering, but I will stay, no matter what happens. I want to live. I want to go through this.
I know I am strong. I know my mission, I know life is abundant and beautiful. Some part inside of me knows that, yet these horrors I am going through are so intense I loose control over my body. Just tell me, „Think positive happy thoughts“ sounds like a joke. If you knew what it feels like to be in my body, you would not say that.
I do not want to complain, or being pitied or drag energy from you. All I want is to be accepted how I am now, going through this, suffering but knowing this is all divine pain, this is all making me stronger when I get through it. But for now, don’t change me or try to fix me. I can fix myself just fine by just being and letting my body do it's work.
So why do I even write this? What do I want?
I want people to just be there, present with me. Nothing to do, nothing to fix, just meet your own pain and helplessness when you are faced with someone like me now.
I know that part can be hard as well when you no longer escape those aspects of life but look them into the eye and say yes, this is divine too.
Your darkness, your pain is as divine as the flowers on the field and the beautiful aspects of life that are so easy to love. It is a challenge for sure to love me, when I am ugly and torn like this. Still I am a divine creation of god.
There is some very big potential in this.
I tell you this is shit, experiencing this is pure hell, and yet this is the greatest gift I ever received. This is shaping me into the diamond that I already am.
I do not know anymore what is going to happen next, everything is apart now. Some sacred space for something new so beautiful. So beautiful. This is the power of transformation.
Befriending the pain
The peace never went. Even through feeling physically terrible, I did not freak out or fight. Again, I surrendered, not knowing why this is happening, but just letting go. I was so weak I could hardly move. My head was cloudy. I spent most of the day sleeping, trying to find a position that didn't hurt. I tried to focus on my breath, but breathing hurt the most. So in the midst of this was the miracle of life. I lost my fear of death. It is just another layer of letting go.
The peace came to a whole new level, me sitting there, feeling like I am dying, undisturbed. I was filled with love. I wrapped myself in this cocoon of love. I felt like I left my body and saw myself from above. Life seemed abstract and overly complicated to me. I was curious but did not understand. However, I could feel those cells and the body they form. I could see this child that had suffered all these years. I could remember details from the past that I had long forgotten. I felt like I had turned into an angel, taking care of the little ones down there. So this was seriously trippy yesterday. HS told me this is happening for a reason, and none of this is because I did something wrong. So being broken, being in pain like this is only an invitation to befriend the pain, dive deep into it and to let go. Beyond that lies another level of freedom.