Reflecting on my journey to Maui, Hawaii which was a huge initiation process.
It still feels like a dream, how I followed the calling, sold my big harp and traveled to Maui, Hawaii. Who would have thought I would sing in front of 200 people! Even with all the challenges of this trip, this magical island changed me, when she spoke to me and revealed my life purpose to me.
Flashback February 2016:
I felt the strong calling to go to this retreat in Maui, Hawaii. And how I got there is a long story in itself. I had to sacrifice a lot and wade through a lot of fears. The day after I booked my flight, I had anxiety like if I was going to die. I wanted to cancel. I wanted to hide. But somehow, I never gave up.
Spirit told me:
You need to go. This will open up an energetic pathway that is needed for you to explore the world further. It will make moving to another country easier for you.
Okay, it did make sense. I felt the truth in this. So even with my fears, I packed my things, I sat down in the airplane and I flew. From Frankfurt to Calgary, Canada and from there to Kahului. A friend was with me and we explored the island together in a car that we rented.
But my arrival was anything but idyllic. I got a heat stroke on the first day and felt so sick. All I wanted was leave. Something triggered my deepest fears. Yet I couldn't leave. I had to stay. It took a couple of days to get used to this energy here.
A couple of days forward is when the magic happened.
I remember the scene, I stood at the beach in Maui, watching the sunset and the waves breathing, just following a calling to go within and to sing a song for the ocean.
And then, all those feelings rushed over me and I met the spirit of the island. I could feel her embrace me, her wild but gentle presence. She revealed to me that I was meant to do this. I received all those images and feelings in one instant and I just knew. As I tried to grasp this, as it was blowing my mind, I asked her to break this down into human words. And then she spoke:
Your gift is your voice.
The words, they were so powerful, yet so loving. And I cried, because I was so angry, so lost, so alone and hurt. I don't want to be a musician. It is so hard. I felt all the pain from childhood to now where music had just been competition and struggle and I didn't want this. I was scared. I had just given up being a musician and sold my harp to get here! How ironic is this?
And yet the spirit of Maui embraced me and said:
Find a way that works for you.
Tell me how to do this. What exactly do you want me to do?
She smiled at me and said:
Beloved one, f I told you what to do, you wouldn't listen anyway. And it is more fun if you find it out on your own. That's the fun of being human, isn't it? The discoveries. The ride.
And there I was. Willing to find the answers, to go on a deep spiritual quest.
Two days later, I was at the retreat, together with 200 people from all over the world. Spirit kept nudging me to sing this healing song that was stuck in my head, yet I didn't see an opening to go on stage and just do what I was told. I felt weird. I felt, who am I to do this? Maybe I am just crazy. I mean, they are all spiritual people but... I don't want to be so exposed.
But spirit kept repeating: Sing this. Sing this.
So I sat there, waiting. Okay spirit, I will go up on stage during a Q&A session.
Just that day, there was no more Q&A. But events orchestrated the opening in another way. There was a person breaking down into tears and the atmosphere was very tense and I just happened to sing.
I heard my voice as if it belonged to another. It all just unfolded.
Instantly, the energies shifted from fear and confusion back to love and alignment. It showed me what was possible. It showed me how powerful sound is. Music is not just a "hobby", like my parents had always told me - it can transform lives!
So there were these moments of: I get it. I know it, this is me. I am channeling healing energies. And yet, I wished I could return to being normal. All that spiritual stuff still freaked me out, even after being on the spiritual path since 15 years. What to do with this immense energy?
The spirit of Hawaii had spoken to me, the beach, the plants, the magnificent vulcano... Hiking up Haleakala had been one of the most breathtaking experiences in my life. The bamboo forest. The beaches... Wild and mystical nature, strong currents, more beauty and love then you can take in, wherever you look. I've never felt so connected to source in my life. Any answer to any question was just there.
And then as I was back in Germany I felt odd, like I did not belong there anymore. It seemed strange, the way life works over there. Everything is dense and grey. Very different energy. When you’ve been to Maui, you know what I mean. So much love and warmth on that island. The Aloha spirit is really there.
I said to myself, I will find my way through peaks and valleys. I will find a way that works for me. All I know is, my gift is my voice. I want to serve people and I want to learn how to deeply love myself.
And now, here I am. The path keeps going, it is deepening. I walk between worlds. I deeply feel. Music is my first love... but I've come to realize it is not just music. I also am a guide for those people who have decided to walk this path as well. I am a space-holder of pure presence. That is what heals. The space in between the music.
I still don't know everything and I probably never will. But that is okay. All that matters is intentions and my pure heart. My willingness to love myself and to acknowledge the darkness as part of me as well.
Let's do this journey...