An angel in disguise

I met a young guy with a chronic disease whom I would refer to as an angel in disguise. He had dreams of traveling the world and now he is bedridden most of the time. He is not even 30 yet. He had to surrender.

Just being in his presence taught me so much ... and I met him again in my dreams!

I've been blessed yesterday and I can still feel a big shift from this. I met a guy with an intense chronic disease who was forced to surrender. He is "broken" in a way that he cannot work or do much right now besides lay in bed, but actually in a way he is a lot more whole than most of us! Just being in his presence taught me so much.


I could see my patterns. I could let go of myself. I could see how fast I live my life and how precious it is to be healthy.


I also could see my own exhaustion in him, that I need more breaks than most people (and I usually just push myself instead of rest). I finally see simplicity with the beauty it holds. Space. Breath. 


This guy said to me: „I enjoyed our session a lot. And I also learned something and more was not necessary. It was not about being efficient and to do as much as possible but to have a good time with you, to enjoy what unites us with the bonus of learning a few things about the harp.“ 


This shifted something in me. I can't even describe. A deep feeling of gratitude. Of being humble myself. It lasted several hours and guided me into my sleep. I can feel my heart again. Love. For all things. I still feel it now that I woke up and start a brand new day. I feel like I have met an angel. I would love to meet him again and find out, can I meet him in a more pure way. With less words and more presence. Less filling out the space, more being conscious of my own body while I speak. Only say what is needed now. When all masks have fallen away, what remains. I might not meet him again for a long time because I am an intense person and even that is too much for him to handle - he lives in solitude and doesn't meet people and spends most of his time in bed, looking forward to the few times when he feels good enough to get up for a while. Yet maybe this was all it required for now. Who knows what life has in store for me now.




Last night when I was laying in bed, trying to deal with feeling like a disconnected human being, the spirit of a friend visited me, telling me it is okay. He said he is always there as a spirit to talk to him, even when we are far apart in real life. He has a very gentle energy and I fell asleep instantly. 


Then, I thought about him in my dream, that I want to meet him in person. I really wished it with all of my heart. A few moments later, I was sitting on my window, eating soup, his car parked in front of my house and he got out and looked at me in a certain way. So kind, so innocent. I remember those moments. No words, just that gaze, that flow of emotions going back and forth. Two beings radiating love and compassion. I was so touched that he came here and that it had worked to wish him here. He said: "I understood I do not have to be in a perfect condition to be here. So here I am with all of my flaws." So I understood the reason he is distant was that he thought he is not good enough to be seen, so he rather hides...


His voice was husky, like he had a bad cold. He climbed into the room through the window and I asked him if he wanted to do some Vocal Training, since this is what I know about and I am curious if it would help, usually it does. He said: "Yes, let's explore, but don't put more pressure on me. This is what got me sick in the first place. Pressure, perfectionism, the idea of that something is wrong with me that has to be fixed." Something clicked in me and instead of telling him what he can do better, I realized I want to help him to get in touch with his body in a very gentle way. I want him to feel what is inside of him rather than give orders. This was very valuable. I mean yes, I knew that stuff, I had heard that before but somehow it got through this time. We need many reminders.  


Bergstraße, Germany


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